Jordan went to Ambury Farm. He liked the pigs so he wrote about them.
After he wrote his draft he worked hard with the teacher to make his sentences even more interesting.
Draft:
At Ambury farm the pig had a hairy back and the piglets had a curly tail. The pig had a dusty back. The piglets were greedy.
Re-crafted:
At Ambury Farm I saw a sleeping pig with a hairy, pink back. It was standing up sleeping and it had a dusty back. About six piglets with curly tails were playing on the mud. They were greedy because they were trying to get the dusty pigs milk.
PES Art Expo 2022 - Room 7 Artwork
1 year ago
I like my second story becaue it has more stuff in it and it tells us more things about the pigs.
ReplyDeleteBy Jordan
Hi Jordan, I like your second story because it is so much more interesting. What makes it more interesting is all the extra details you remembered to tell us. I hope you always write like your second story from now on :) Mrs Burt
ReplyDeleteHi Jordan,
ReplyDeleteI think you changed your second story heaps to make it better. I like how you added adjectives to make it more interesting.
From Nathan in Room 8 at Grey Lynn School.